


The Things You Never Lose

by Zoi no miko (zoi_no_miko)



Category: Dark City (1998)
Genre: Beer, Champagne, False Memories, First Time, Frottage, Hand Kink, M/M, Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-10
Updated: 2012-12-10
Packaged: 2017-11-20 19:15:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/588732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zoi_no_miko/pseuds/Zoi%20no%20miko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is quite simple, John. Nothing is real. Nothing you remember, nothing from before that night that you woke up in the hotel room, happened. Until you make it real.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Things You Never Lose

**Author's Note:**

  * For [stuffwelike](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stuffwelike/gifts).



_“Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.”_ \- Kevin Arnold 

Daniel wasn't quite sure what to make of it when John waltzed up the steps of his office building as he was leaving in the afternoon, a case of brown beer bottles slung under one arm, fingers wrapped tightly around the foil neck of a champagne bottle. Daniel had indulged, in the day since he'd last seen him: a new suit, a haircut and a very nice shave, and also a full twelve hours sleep, which was quite possibly the most luxuriously indulgent thing of all.

He'd only briefly thought about his employment, or lack thereof. It wasn't a question of means; one of the few advantages of working for the evil overlords was that he has been, at least, well provided for. However, the question of what to do with himself now the day was won... this was something he was not able, or perhaps not ready, to answer for himself.

And now there was John Murdoch.

As he exited the elevator, the man gave him a wide smile. "Oh good. I was hoping I'd find you here. We should exchange contact information. I didn't really think about that the last time I saw you. But I thought maybe we might celebrate?"

For a moment all he could do was stare at John in confusion. Because while he hadn't had much of a plan for himself, he'd had the means to at least create the framework of one for John. It had been a delicate undertaking, to provide the man with abilities and a history without interfering in the fragile ego he'd begun to build for himself. And Daniel hadn't intentionally placed anything in the framework that would lead him here....

His confused lack of response seemed to stop John in his tracks. "... unless you didn't want me to find you?"

"No," Daniel said quickly, because while he never expected to find John here and now, he'd certainly hoped their paths would cross again, for the good of the city if nothing else. "No, I'm sorry. I simply didn't... expect you."

"I can call another time if you have plans - "

"No," Daniel said again, forcing himself to smile, though it still felt twitchy and unfamiliar, and he almost felt the rusty gears squeak against each other in the long unused machine. "I don't. Have plans, I mean. You may call, whenever you like, John."

"Well then." John's smile returned, and he motioned to the alcohol. "Where would you like to celebrate? I have a house in Shell Beach now, if you'd like, or I suppose I could find myself an apartment here without too much trouble, or we could go out somewhere...."

The thought of so much change on top of what had already happened was, embarrassingly, overwhelming to Daniel. He'd spent so very long being afraid, and the last thing he wanted to feel was that same familiar icy clench at his core. "I... have an apartment nearby?" He offered tentatively. It was familiar, and practical. "If you would like to.... visit my home."

"I'd be honored." John, still smiling, offered his free arm to him. "I can drive, if you don't mind giving directions."

Daniel realized that the new, sleek blue Lincoln parked next to the curb must be John's, which distracted him from the strange offer of familiarity as he took John's arm. He felt himself smile again, a little less rusty. "You seem to be doing …quite well for yourself."

John shrugged, but looked rather proud anyway. "Your lessons did give me a few unfair advantages over the regular old Joe." He let go of Daniel's arm and darted ahead to open the passenger's side door for him. Shutting it behind Daniel, John rounded the car to slip into the driver's seat, leaning past Daniel to set the alcohol on the back seat. Over the new car smell, Daniel caught the hint of what must be, if not an expensive aftershave, certainly quite a nice one. John's arm brushed his as he moved, and a sudden, strange thrill ran through him, somewhere between desire and bone-chilling fear; both unwelcome.

He fought to hide it. "Go straight, please. Turn on Avenue K. I am at 3215 South-East Drive."

John glanced at the street signs as he started to drive. "Aren't we on South-East right now?"

"South-East spirals around... half of the city," Daniel explained. "Until it turns into…North-West. Same spiral. The avenues intersect. It is, perhaps, not the most sensical city planning. But the citizens have been... imprinted to not question it. You will find... it is the same, for many things. Turn here."

John looked a little troubled as he followed Daniel's directions and parked underneath his apartment next to Daniel’s own neglected Buick. The walk to his office had always afforded Daniel time to reflect; beyond that, the Strangers had always ensured he would easily be where they wanted him to be, whenever they needed him.

Daniel's building was quiet, upscale, and only half the units were full. He'd always preferred it that way, wary of needing to interact with the ever-changing neighbors the experiments brought him. He nodded to the door man, taking John inside and to the elevator.

"People don't question things because of their imprints," John mused as the elevator doors closed. "Jobs, relationships, hobbies, that's all created. What about the decisions people make? How much is caused by the imprint and how much is free will?"

Daniel hesitated before answering. "The imprints were a starting point. A combination of personal details, morals, and knowledge of societal norms." He took John to his apartment, locking the door behind him. The apartment was, if not large, then luxurious. He'd wrestled with guilt over it, when he'd asked the Strangers to set him up here, feeling spectacularly unworthy of living in any kind of splendor considering the multitude of his sins. In the end he had realized he might as well take what little joy he could in having a home he could retreat to: walls lined with books, a chesterfield and leather easy chairs in front of a grand marble fireplace, a large, lush bed in which to claim the few hours of sleep he managed to find. A fortress against the horrors outside.

He offered John another smile, small, polite. He was getting used to it, now. "May I take your jacket, John? Please make yourself comfortable."

John set the liquor down on the coffee table before shrugging out of his jacket, allowing Daniel to take it and hang it alongside his own as he sat down on one end of the chesterfield. "What about beyond the imprint?"

"Beyond the imprint... well, perhaps you can answer that, for me." Daniel perched on the other end of the chesterfield, turning towards him. "How do you feel, John? What made you decide... to come here? Why aren't you..." with Anna, he wanted to say, but that would be revealing too much. "In Shell Beach?"

"Is that where I'm supposed to be?" John dodged the question by asking another. He reached out with long, graceful fingers, running the tip of one up the foil covering the neck of the champagne bottle, which peeled away at his touch. Another small motion of his hand and two champagne flutes came into existence next to it, as well as a plate of strawberries. "Champagne?"

"Thank you." Watching John Tune so easily gave Daniel a strange sense of pride. He should have been frightened; for one human to have so much power was a dangerous situation. But something about John's manner reassured him. Despite his erratic behavior during the past few days, Daniel knew there was a stability at the core of John's ego that would keep him sane despite his powers. "Your imprint, John, contained only three instructions. I hope you can forgive me. I did my best to... influence you as little as possible."

John nodded slowly, pouring the champagne. "Remove the danger to the city. Rebuild the city. Protect the city." He handed one glass to Daniel, fingers brushing against his on the stem of the flute and making Daniel's heart stop momentarily.

"Shell Beach was your own choice," he managed to tell John, trying to pretend the simple human contact didn't affect him as much as it did. He took a large gulp of the champagne to cover his awkwardness, letting himself enjoy the sweet tang of the carbonation on his tongue. "Though it did not... surprise me. It is your history."

"But it's not real," came the immediate reply. "I met Emma. Her name's Anna, now. She's not my wife. She's nice enough, but... every time I think about Emma I realize almost everything I remember never even really happened."

Daniel swallowed more of the champagne. "Anna is a new person, completely. But many of Emma's traits... the ones that you loved, they still exist. Her ego. The way she will... choose to approach life. You can still... find love with her."

"I don't understand." John drained his glass, then picked the bottle off the table again, refilling his glass, then Daniel's. "What's real and what's not and how do I tell?"

Daniel laughed, short and hard and not at all reassuring. "It is quite simple, John. Nothing is real. Nothing you remember, nothing from before that night... that you woke up in the hotel room, happened. Until you make it real." He was drinking the Champagne too fast, he could feel it, the tips of his fingers and his joints already warm and tingling from the liquor.

"So... what do we do now?" Finally, John voiced the question he'd been dreading.

He looked up at John, feeling slightly terrified and wishing he’d been rather more drunk. "I'm sorry, John. I don't know. I... had not planned, that far."

"Hm," was John's simple reaction, and he took another swallow of his champagne. "Well, at least we're in the same boat, then." He looked at the bottle contemplatively for a moment, then finished the champagne in his glass. "I'm sorry, this isn't much of a celebration. Would you like a beer?"

"Please." Daniel drained his glass and set it aside, not surprised when John popped the bottle cap off with as much ease as he'd Tuned everything else. He also half expected the touch of John's fingers to his as he handed over the bottle, and he managed not to flinch away, enjoying the brief contact. He smiled softly at John. "You're doing just fine, John."

John looked startled, then glanced away, surprisingly conflicted. "I hope so. You've given me quite the charge, Doctor."

Daniel took a long drink of the beer, which was deliciously cold. "Please call me Daniel." The words were both bold and vulnerable as they left his lips, inviting familiarity. He hadn't planned it, hadn't expected to feel so strongly about John, to crave this connection. "It's not your charge, alone, you know."

"It feels like it," John muttered, taking another swig of the beer. "I can't stay with Anna. She doesn't know. And anyway, I don't...." He sighed, taking a drink, then cupped the bottle with both hands, fingers tracing the label on the glass. "When I was in the police station I tried to tell her about the imprints. Emma. I wanted her to stop thinking she'd betrayed me. She... she started to cry, to ask me how it could be fake when she loved me so much, when she remembered so clearly falling in love...." John leaned into the couch in one smooth motion, head falling against the back of it, letting out a long breath. "I felt for her but I didn't love her. I just wanted to keep her safe. She didn't feel like my wife. Even after the memories you gave me she still doesn't feel like my wife."

Listening to John talk made Daniel very glad of the beer in his hand. He drank more, then set it aside on the coffee table, shifting closer to John and reaching out, tentatively, to rest his fingertips against John's hand. "John... what would you like to do next? I will help you. With everything, I mean. The city. Anything you want."

John looked rather bewildered at his words, lifting his head and staring down at his hand where Daniel's touched his. Then he moved, slowly turning Daniel's hand so it sat palm up in his, tracing his thumb down the length of his index finger and over his palm. The touch was so simple, so tender and intimate that it sent a shiver down Daniel's spine, and it was all he could do to keep from jerking away.

John glanced up at him, a sad smile on his lips, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. "I won't hurt you," he said softly, looking back down at his palm. "I know you don't have any reason to believe me. I... I'm really sorry about everything that's happened between us, I'm sorry for everything I did." He wet his lips, suddenly nervous, hazel eyes flicking up again to Daniel's. "What I'd like next... what I'd really like to happen...."

Daniel's pulse was racing so fast he felt like John surely must feel it. It was nearly overwhelming, heart fluttering in his chest, more anxious than even the Strangers had been able to make him feel. "... yes?"

"I want to start over," John said softly, still holding his gaze, his thumb stroking Daniel's palm. "Like everyone else. I want to forget about everything that happened before you saved me. I owe you everything, Daniel. A life debt. You have no reason to ever be afraid again."

John's words were so earnest, so completely without guile, and consequently so overwhelming it took Daniel a moment to respond. "I'm not afraid of you," he said, words more breathless than he'd intended. "I am simply... uncertain. Of what is to be. Of... how we will start."

John nodded slowly, leaning over to set his beer down without releasing Daniel's hand. The continued contact felt electric, warmer than their new-created sun, and more real than any recollection Daniel had in the shreds of his ruined memory. "Of what's real," John added quietly, words coming in a rush. "Because nothing is real until we make it so, right? Everything I remember about you and that you've never experienced... and I don't even care if it was the imprint that made me feel this way because I like it and _this_ is what I want, and I want you to feel the same way."

Daniel tried to make sense of the words, of the almost desperate look in his eyes, tried to tell himself that John didn't, couldn't mean what it sounded like he was saying. "I didn't - the imprint wasn't designed - to change anything between us," he tried to explain, feeling a little lightheaded, like he needed to draw more air than normal. "I would never force you to... to feel anything...."

The intense look of relief that passed over John's features made Daniel stop, and he leaned closer, heart pounding. "Did you... think I had?"

"No," John replied, giving his head a shake. "Daniel, I... I simply want to be able to tell you that what I feel isn't false." He lifted Daniel's hand as he spoke, holding his gaze as he leaned in to place the softest kiss to the curve at the base of his thumb, then his palm. "I want to tell you how much I admire your courage, everything you did for me, how you never gave up on me...." He closed his eyes for a moment as he pressed a kiss to the inside of his wrist, just before the starched white cuff of his sleeve. "I want to ask your permission to let me pursue you. Romantically. If nothing else in the city is real I at least want us to be."

He was finally drunk enough for this, Daniel realized as John spoke, letting himself step away from fear to simply listen and accept. Exactly when and why and, goodness, _how_ this happened wasn't something he could fathom. But the quiet plea in John's eyes, the vulnerability he'd shown in reaching out... that spoke to something much deeper than logic and reason.

He shifted closer, letting his fingers slide along John's cheek and up into his hair, watching the other man's eyes fall closed as he leaned into the touch. "Yes," he said softly, trying to push away the terror and focus on hope. Perhaps the final and most excruciating torture the Strangers had inflicted - cutting him off from his own kind by virtue of his betrayal - perhaps that would finally come to an end. "Please forgive me, John. Everything I've done... I don't deserve your kindness - let alone - anything else. But I - I want this to be real. Us. Any way you want." He drew a shaky breath, trying to put every bit of conviction into his words. "I _need_ you."

There was a brief flash of surprise in John's eyes, and then the sweetest, most tender look of adoration. Those graceful fingers moved to caress Daniel's face, gently taking control as he leaned closer. The faint scent of his cologne, the warmth of his skin- Daniel couldn't have moved even if he wanted to. Instead he gave himself over to it completely, eyes falling closed to the soft, sweet press of John's lips to his. Had he ever felt this before? Suddenly he was pulling John closer, returning his kiss desperately, needing to touch, to feel.

"My god, Daniel...." John words, murmured against his mouth, sounded wondering, but he didn't pull away, sliding his arms around his waist to pull him closer. John's kisses were nearly dizzying, yearning and tender all at once, claiming his mouth again and again as his hands slid over the smooth fabric of his suit jacket. Daniel hadn't realized how it would make him feel, something as simple as being touched in love. Being with someone.

Slipping his hands up under the back of John's jacket felt even better, feeling the warmth of his skin through the smooth cotton of his shirt. "Please...." What was he even asking for? Just this, more of this, warmth and love and the unspoken reassurance that he'd never have to be alone again.

"Oh..." John's breath was a hot caress against Daniel's skin as he kissed along his jaw. His hands moved to undo the buttons of his jacket, stroking over the vest underneath, warm against his waist. Somewhere in between kisses Daniel had ended up pressed back into the crook of the chesterfield with John over top of him, though he wasn't sure if John had instigated it, or if he'd pulled him back himself. But it was perfect, amazing, tilting his head to John's kisses. Submitting to this.

John's voice was low, when he spoke, thick from emotion. "Need you so badly...." He nipped lightly at Daniel's earlobe, groaning at the breathless cry it drew from his lips, then drew back so suddenly that Daniel felt almost dazed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to assume...."

Daniel followed him, reaching out to grasp a lapel to keep him close. Then he smiled, and it finally felt real. "You didn't," he murmured, leaning in again to kiss him softly. "Stay here with me," he murmured, mapping John's lips in kisses and giving a soft sigh at his new lover's appreciative moan. "I've been alone for so long, John. Please help me forget...."

He stood before he second guessed himself, offering John a hand, smiling when John leaned forward to press another kiss to his palm before standing. The unexpected tenderness was almost as appealing as his desire, and he leaned into him as John slipped an arm around his waist, holding him close as Daniel drew him into his bedroom.

Daniel slid his hands up John's chest again, tugging the buttons of his shirt undone, not realizing he was trembling until John caught his hands in one of his. He lifted them both to his lips and kissed his knuckles before moving to help him. "Shh... don't worry, love. If anything I do is too much, just tell me... just want to love you. Want to create so many memories that all of our darkness is only a distant recollection..."

"I trust you," Daniel murmured, finding the clips of his suspenders and pushing both his shirt and jacket off, filling his hands with the warmth of bare skin, the reassuring feel of trim muscles and strength under his touch. And he did, he realized, perhaps he always had, despite them being at odds. He'd unlocked in John the ability to create or destroy their tiny world and then set him free to do whatever he liked with it. He could have, _should_ have imprinted controls in him, false memories to keep him in line. But part of him knew, somehow, it was unnecessary. At his core, and despite all his confusion and anger, this man's ego was noble, caring.

Perhaps he'd wanted John for far longer than he'd realized.

It seemed almost too good to be in bed together, stretched out with John leaning over him, half blanketing him with the warmth and security of his form. He let his head fall back to the surety of John's kisses, closing his eyes and merely allowing his body react. It was easier to simply give in and let John take control, guide his passion. The feel of John's hand on his swollen prick was almost too much to take, so much more intense than any desperate, lonely act of masturbation, and he reached down to pleasure him in kind, catching his mouth in a yearning, trembling kiss. "John - oh hell, please...."

"Anything you want," his lover promised breathlessly, rocking into his touch a little, free hand tangling in Daniel's hair to hold him to his kisses. At Daniel's urging he shifted to settle between his thighs, prick pressed against his belly, hard and leaking slick with precum. When Daniel pushed up against him the intensity of sensation took his breath away, the warmth of John's body over him, pressing him into the bed, cock sliding against his as he mirrored the movement. John's head fell to the pillow beside him as he thrust against his body again and again, breath hot against his skin, voice thick from pleasure. "God, thank you. Everything I needed... just to be close.... just to feel...."

Daniel pressed his face to John’s hair, eyes clenched shut to block out everything other than John. His mind was empty of everything but wanting, needing, fingers digging into John's back as the waves of sensation built. He found himself gasping, almost sobbing John's name as they rocked together desperately, craving completion, yet never wanting the moment to end. Then John drew back to kiss him, hard, hips bucking against him, a helpless groan against his mouth as he came between them, slick and wet on Daniel's stomach. Daniel’s body responded without warning to the extra stimulation, the rapture of orgasm all he could feel, crashing through him in hot waves of pleasure as he climaxed.

When conscious thought returned, Daniel turned his face into the soft kisses John was pressing to his forehead, his nose, his lips, sweet and loving. He hummed happily, reaching up to stroke his fingers through tousled black curls. John pulled away to look down on him, his smile warm and satisfied, and Daniel returned it, reaching up to nuzzle his jaw and place a kiss to the soft hollow under his ear.

"Was that real enough... for you?"

When John didn't immediately reply, Daniel panicked and pulled back enough to look at him, John's contemplative expression worrying him more. "John?"

"Hm," his lover replied, leaning in to press a kiss to his forehead, breathing deep before pulling back again. "I'm... not sure yet." His lips quirked into a small, teasing smile. "We'd better do this again. A lot."

Daniel gave a breathless laugh as the worry rushed away, catching John's face in his hands and pulling him in for a warm, laughing kiss. "You're horrible!"

"Horrible?" John looked indignant. "I bring you beer and champagne and some very nice strawberries that you didn't even touch and then I take you to bed for amazing hot sex and I'm _horrible_?" He chuckled as he returned Daniel's kiss, holding him closer, giving a soft, happy hum. "It's a good thing I'm mad for you."

Daniel drew back to look up at him, cupping his cheek and wondering a little at the happiness he saw in his lover's eyes, the ache it awoke in his own heart. "I'm in love with you," he said softly, almost surprised to hear the words come from his lips. But it was true, and it sent a rush of joy through him to say it. "I love you."

He didn't expect that the declaration would make John as choked up as it did, and he leaned in to give him a hard, trembling kiss.

"Now this feels real," he said softly, and kissed him again.

\- END -


End file.
